Note: In the version I published yesterday I felt my usual need to be responsible and hopeful and redemptive for you. I couldn’t bear to leave you with how I was truly feeling–and that’s not a “bad” thing–that quality I love about myself–most of the time. Often I do not know where I leave off and you begin and I get confused about my desire to save everyone. Anywho, the original version of this poem is the one posted today. The second half that I added yesterday is still true and I am deeply grateful for the hope and love I receive from others. Today, however, and when this poem was born, I am in an inner hurricane, and no, I will not hide that today. Joseph
Special thanks to Mindy for not being afraid.
I Am Not Supposed to Tell You
By
Joseph Anthony
I am not supposed to tell you
How steeped I am in self-hatred;
How I feel like a sand mandala slowly
Blowing away grain by grain;
This heart you think you know
Is not mine. My heart is an albatross
Lost at the bottom of the sea.
A dark angel shifts heavy, smothering wings
Inside my chest. A wind-tossed night sky
Searching for morning, blankets
My basic, human sense of self.
Breathing
Feels
Wrong.
I am not supposed to tell you that.
I’m supposed to worry about what you
Think of me; what will happen
Now that you know—
I’m not supposed to tell you that either.
You tell me: this too, shall pass.
I am not supposed to tell you:
Those words enter a man’s ears but are heard
By a child’s—a child who hears you
But cannot help looking passed you
At the storm gathering behind you—the one
Unfurling like a monster made of smoke—
The one heading this way.
I love both poems, but yeah, I’d say this one feels a bit closer to the center. You’re having experiences I appreciate knowing about in all their fullness—and/or emptiness, as the case may be. Thank you!
Mindy, thank you. Your support has been, and is so important to me. YOU are important to me. Thank you for encouraging me to be me. <3
so deeply powerful. love how real you are. love how you share the turmoil.
you are not alone.
<3
hug.
<3
Thank you so much, Kristin. It is an honor and a blessing to know you and to be sharing the journey with such a sparkling soul. <3
Joseph, I love your poems, but I am sad that you are in such a dark place. May the light penetrate to where you can be warmed by it.
Love Val
Thanks Val. 🙂