Going Through the Motions
By
Joseph Anthony Petro
Fake it till you make it, they say.
I’ve been faking it for the better part
Of forty-seven years,
The rest has been out and out lies
Scattered through fleeting moments
Of a deep awareness of the oneness of things.
I am trying now, more than ever
To go through the motions of living
Because the motions of dying
Would hurt too many people.
Yet every living movement I make is hollow
And empty like a brainless robot riddled with rust.
I shave, clean my room, I look at you
And I write these words, I even gaze long moments
At flowers and roots of trees,
I walk yet I do not feel my steps,
I lie in bed yet I do not feel my weight,
And it isn’t so much a wind is blowing through me—
It is more I am not even here, not even a shell,
More of a ghost–a living, breathing ghost.
And I do not know when I crossed over
Into dying while living. I have tried so hard
To push through, to simply be,
To tell you the truth of my journey,
And yet I can slip my hand through my own body,
The mirror reflects the wall behind where I think
I stand. I want to tell you something beautiful,
I want to give you bushels of hope,
I want to tell you to never look away from the light
Or the darkness, I want to tell you to never refuse an embrace,
Or to never give up, yet I am faking it, so I truly do not know
If what I am telling you means anything at all.
Yet I am here. Going through
The motions, the way waves go through
The ocean, the way wind
Goes through
The curtains,
The way space
Goes through
My eyes,
The way time
Goes through
My life,
The way the end of the road
Goes through, straight through
To the other side
Of heaven.
Splendid, particularly the end where you seem to have found some redemption. After all, your soul has to at least pass through heaven to get to the end of the road. Who knows where the fuck that is? Yes, my friend, you hold no secrets not already known and know no more than the rest of the lost souls. However, you are still on the path and seeking is all a person can do.
“Your nature is ever changing and is always the same. Don’t try to resolve the various contradictions in life, instead learn acceptance of your nature.” Casey Cochmer from personaltao.com.
Thank you for the kind words of support Phil. And thanks for reading. Peace, Joseph
That really really sucks, Joseph. Not your poem (of course)—this slog through heaps of shit, not feeling your steps, feeling like a ghost. How are you doing this? Who’s there with their arms around you? Who can you be with without having to fake anything? And what can I do? Because I’d like to help if I may. For starters, I love you, my friend, and I’m so sorry you have to go through all this. xoxo
Mindy, thank you. I do not know how I am getting through this. Feeling more and more like it is just too much. Thank you for your love. It makes me happy to see you and your family–those faces of your girls–the bees. I am happy that your life is so full of sweetness.
“When you go through deep waters,
I will be with you.
When you go through rivers of difficulty,
you will not drown.
When you walk through the fire of oppression,
you will not be burned up;
the flames will not consume you.
For I am the Lord, your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior…
you are precious to me.
You are honored, and I love you.
“Do not be afraid, for I am with you.
I will gather you and your children from east and west.”
Isaiah 43:2-5New Living Translation (NLT)
Dear Heavenly Father: Reach down into the valley and lift up your son, Joseph. Remember the prayers of his mother. Remember his kindness to Your children. Remember the fervent love he had for you as a boy. Lift him up, Yahweh on the wings of your love. Grant him the discipline to eat your Holy Word like food. Quench Joseph’s thirst with your Holy Spirit. Thank you for loving him…and all of us! Amen.
Dear Joseph: Tomorrow my students will be blessed because of your passion and generous creative professionalism. We’ve never met. But I will be lifting you in prayer, my friend! May this scripture become a knot to swing on at the end of your rope! Read it aloud to yourself in the mirror! Hold on! This old tired world needs you!
Dear Josephine,
Thank you for your beautiful words–both from Isaiah and your own–your prayer for me brought me to tears as did your message. I am trying so hard to keep moving and need to be lifted because I feel like I just cannot walk anymore with the burdens I carry. So yes, please–lifted, held…I need to know safety for me–in the being lifted and held–inside and out, is possible. So thank you, Josephine. Your students are blessed also because they have a teacher with so much faith and love–both for herself to be able to pray such prayers and for the world, for the same reasons. Your are my angel today, as I woke with the darkness deep…I hope someday we will meet. Thank you, dear beautiful soul, Josephine. With love, Joseph
Hello Joseph: Have you done your homework? Insert your name into Isaiah 43:2-5. You are you. Yahweh is the Divine. You taught me to write lesson plans that breathe. Well, Yahweh’s Biblical Words breathe too. Declare them to yourself in the mirror. And remember again to believe…simply, plainly, childishly… believe and be nourished!
Finally, an old favorite from childhood:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N9zAhe5Y4wE
Praying for you, my friend. Yahweh will bring you out of this desert strengthened, restored and refreshed!
Just did my homework, Josephine, thank you. I also sent you an email (to the address that is by your name on my dashboard)–the pobox one….Hope you get it. With love, Joseph
Dear Joseph,I came across your work just a few weeks ago.Like so many of us,I am undergoing the process of beginning to value who I am.This is a remarkable journey,sometimes painful,sometimes so uplifting and rewarding,for the most part.I thank You for walking this journey alongside me.
Your work is supporting,uplifting and so valuable. Blessings to you and your loved ones ,always
Sylvia
Thank you for your kind support, Sylvia. As the saying goes, we are all walking each other home. Peace and Light, Joseph