Note:\u00a0 In the version I published yesterday I felt my usual need to be responsible and hopeful and redemptive for you.\u00a0 I couldn’t bear to leave you with how I was truly feeling–and that’s not a “bad” thing–that quality I love about myself–most of the time.\u00a0 Often I do not know where I leave off and you begin and I get confused about my desire to save everyone.\u00a0 Anywho, the original version of this poem is the one posted today.\u00a0 The second half that I added yesterday is still true and I am deeply grateful for the hope and love I receive from others.\u00a0 Today, however, and when this poem was born,\u00a0 I am in an inner hurricane, and no, I will not hide that today.\u00a0 Joseph<\/p>\n
Special thanks to Mindy for not being afraid.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
I Am Not Supposed to Tell You
\nBy
\nJoseph Anthony<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
I am not supposed to tell you
\nHow steeped I am in self-hatred;
\nHow I feel like a sand mandala slowly
\nBlowing away grain by grain;
\nThis heart you think you know
\nIs not mine. My heart is an albatross
\nLost at the bottom of the sea.
\nA dark angel shifts heavy, smothering wings
\nInside my chest. A wind-tossed night sky
\nSearching for morning, blankets
\nMy basic, human sense of self.
\nBreathing
\nFeels
\nWrong.
\nI am not supposed to tell you that.
\nI\u2019m supposed to worry about what you
\nThink of me; what will happen
\nNow that you know\u2014
\nI\u2019m not supposed to tell you that either.
\nYou tell me: this too, shall pass.
\nI am not supposed to tell you:
\nThose words enter a man\u2019s ears but are heard
\nBy a child\u2019s\u2014a child who hears you
\nBut cannot help looking passed you
\nAt the storm gathering behind you\u2014the one
\nUnfurling like a monster made of smoke\u2014
\nThe one heading this way.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n