I Am Not Supposed to Tell You
\nBy
\nJoseph Anthony<\/p>\n
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I am not supposed to tell you
\nHow steeped I am in self-hatred;
\nHow I feel like a sand mandala slowly
\nBlowing away grain by grain;
\nThis heart you think you know
\nIs not mine. My heart is an albatross
\nLost at the bottom of the sea.
\nA dark angel shifts heavy, smothering wings
\nInside my chest. A wind-tossed night sky
\nSearching for morning, blankets
\nMy basic, human sense of self.
\nBreathing
\nFeels
\nWrong.
\nI am not supposed to tell you that.
\nI\u2019m supposed to worry about what you
\nThink of me; what will happen
\nNow that you know\u2014
\nI\u2019m not supposed to tell you that either.
\nYou tell me: this too, shall pass.
\nI am not supposed to tell you:
\nThose words enter a man\u2019s ears but are heard
\nBy a child\u2019s\u2014a child who hears you
\nBut cannot help looking passed you
\nAt the storm gathering behind you\u2014the one
\nUnfurling like a monster made of smoke\u2014
\nThe one heading this way.
\nI am not supposed to tell you any
\nOf this. But I know you.
\nYou are already diving into the dark waves
\nWith underwater flashlights and lifelines,
\nYou are exorcists of demons\u2014loving
\nThe dark angel until he flies away
\nTo the mountains of God, and turns
\nInto a baby goat.
\nYou are ushering in the dawn
\nOn strong, generous shoulders,
\nYou are out there patiently collecting bits
\nOf sand and handing them back
\nTo the mandala-maker,
\nYou are looking in my eyes, you see the reflection
\nOf the approaching monster and still
\nYou\u2019re reaching out your hand, still
\nYou are standing steady\u2014braced with faith, still
\nYou\u2019re saying, \u201cDear Heart, it\u2019s true.\u201d<\/p>\n
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