I Cannot Say I Loved Him
\nBy
\nJoseph Anthony Petro<\/p>\n
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\nHe\u2019s been with me since the beginning.
\nI\u2019d look in the mirror and he would be there
\nStaring blankly at my chest or arms,
\nI\u2019d slip into my pajamas and he would be waiting
\nTo chase me in my dreams,
\nHe would mock me from the corners
\nOf rock star posters and porn magazines,
\nI\u2019d see him in the backgrounds of cigarette ads
\nAnd truck commercials shaking his head and frowning,
\nHe would stand looking over my shoulder
\nWhen I drew pictures or wrote in my diary
\nWhispering the words or tracing the lines
\nHe felt were out of place or too sensitive,
\nAnd yet I stuck with him–following him
\nJust as much as he followed me,
\nI would carry his shoes and try to fill them,
\nI based my carriage on how he walked,
\nI built up a story of what he expected of me,
\nHow he thought I should look, speak, and move,
\nI noticed how other people saw him
\nAnd tried to be him in their eyes;
\nAnd even though he lied and shamed
\nHe was there when no one else was\u2014
\nHe never left me, never tired of offering
\nAdvice on how I could better myself\u2014
\nHis lies were loyal, his sarcasm tinged with fraternal care.
\nYet I cannot say I loved him
\nEven though he led me this far,
\nEven though in certain respects
\nI chose him as my shadow.
\nAll I know is the more the truth is revealed
\nOf why I am here and who I am meant to be
\nThe more he fades away in the illuminated fog,
\nThe more I listen to the angel calling my name
\nThe more he grows distant and small,
\nThe more I move towards her voice
\nThe more he vanishes in the light of her song,
\nThe more I adopt her freedom and beauty
\nThe closer he comes to scattering into a thousand drops of ink
\nAnd finding himself being absorbed into the fabric
\nOf the merciful, moon-swept night.<\/p>\n
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