Ray’s Rays, Number 20

Living With PTSD

by

Radiance Angelina Petro

What does it mean to feel safe in this world? What does it

mean to you? How does it feel for/in you?

Have you ever felt safe? Felt safe for long periods of time

and/or just brief glimpses? What do you do

when you feel safe or unsafe?

I can say for myself I have yet to feel utterly

and truly safe—ever–no matter the situation,

circumstances, or company. My body/mind/spirit/heart

is so hypervigilant, so on the look-out to be hurt again,

so ready for something horrible to happen–

some form of violence, some shaming, some rejection–

it’s ingrained in me. Something is about to happen–

something bad, something scary, something really, really

wrong. How do I live with this sort of deep trauma?

It’s day-to-day. I don’t describe myself as “healing,” so much

as being able to exist in this world in a somewhat

present, compassionate, creative way. I have wounds

that may not ever heal. Certainly there are scars

that won’t ever go away. There are memories

and visceral experiences inside that may not ever fully

drift into the void. How do I keep moving?

I try to build little glimmers of safety—moments

when I feel relatively safe. Who am I with when I feel

a tiny bit safe? What am I doing, or not doing?

Where am I? What time of day is it? Again,

no matter how safe a situation and certain people

may feel safe to me, there is always the impending

terrible thing that’s about to happen—usually

of a violent variety—something horrible happening

to my kids and loved ones, some sort of accident

happening to me or those I love. But that being said, there are times

I can gently, tentatively sink into a sense of safety,

and I am learning to be deeply grateful for those moments,

to help create more of them for myself as well as others.

They help me remember safety is more or less possible

for some periods of time.

And yet, in this world of terrorist capitalism, far-right

extremists, environmental devolution, racism, violence,

viruses, and unpredictable weather extremes, it is very

difficult for me to feel truly safe, even when I’m in a “safe,”

situation. What helps me? Conscious breathing, writing,

and reading poetry, listening to a making music,

drawing, looking deeply at a flower, practicing some sort

of mindfulness and gratitude, my meds, my therapist,

being a part of healthy communities, helping others,

doing little, secret and anonymous acts of kindness, finding

funny memes and sharing them, reading, watching silly TV shows,

embodiment meditations, movement meditations,

and sometimes pleasuring myself sexually.

Living with complex PTSD sucks, and yet,

it is also livable—in the sense that I am able

to survive day-to-day. There is no finish line

to grieving or healing, or resolving, but there are

moments, little, and sometimes big, experiences

of joy. I hope you experience them too. I hope

you have safe places and people, and things to do

when it all gets too scary. They say, “this too, shall pass,”

and it’s true. And sometimes knowing that

doesn’t help a goddamn bit. In this moment–

the one in which you’re reading this right now–

may you feel safe, held, and able to seek, and receive,

and share support. It may totally suck. But you got this.

It may or may not, get better, and yet–here you are.

Ray’s Rays, Number 19

The Ego Isn’t the Enemy

by

Radiance Angelina Petro

I don’t really know much. Sometimes

I don’t know my ass from a hole in the ground.

It’s a good thing I’m ace or that could be problematic.

I’m over half a century old, and I know a few things–

or, at very least, have experienced a thing or two,

but have I truly learned from those experiences?

That’s questionable in many instances as evidenced

by my making the same mistakes over and over.

So, at the end of the day, I don’t really know shit.

I do know one thing though—talk nice to yourself.

Unlike what I just did above, honor your experience

and what you’ve learned. I am over half century old

and I still struggle with deep self-hatred.

Start now. Right here—where ever you are–

say something nice to yourself about yourself.

Try it. If you don’t believe what you’re saying

say it anyway. “Act as if,” they say. “Take the actions,

and the feelings will follow,” they also say.

Start practicing now. I wish I could have started years ago,

but I didn’t. And there’s no finish line. I will keep striving

to love myself and like myself and honor myself and praise myself–

and if anyone says loving yourself is ego-shit—tell them

to fuck off. The ego isn’t an enemy. Be proud as fuck

for who you are, how far you’ve come. You’re fucking amazing.

Ray’s Rays Number 17

Fuck the Upgrade

by

Radiance Angelina Petro

Q-Anon, whacked UFO cults, and many fringe “New-Agers,”

often talk about waiting for the cosmic DNA upload,

the divine upgrade that will give them superpowers.

They speak of having a new, alien-given matrix

downloaded into our consciousness.

One of the thing that troubles me about con-spiritualists

is their comparing the human brain to a computer.

Of course, this is by far not the worst thing they do.

Along with their strange bedfellows—the extreme right

terrorists of the evangelical variety—they’re causing

more death, violence, hatred, transphobia, racism, Islamophobia,

an antisemitism at one time than this country has ever seen.

Addressing their language though is important—the terms they use.

By comparing people to machines, especially computers,

they further dehumanize others and put themselves above others.

Their believe their upgrades and downloads and uploads make them better

than the sheeples. They make them more cosmically aware

and give them advanced states of consciousness

that fuels their white supremacy. These terms are now

a part of our everyday vocabulary, and it is degrading.

Resist this type of computerization of the human being.

Change the analogies, comparisons, and metaphors

to ones of nature. We must get ourselves out of the machine-

consciousness and back to earth. It’s about descending

not ascending. Instead of getting alien downloads,

let’s cultivate the gardens of our hearts, let’s weed out

self-hate, and plant self-love. Let’s plant seeds of compassion

and community. Let’s water the gardens of our communities

with love and the sweat of our activism. We are not machines.

We are not spirits in the machine. We are people.

The more we resist the computerization of our language

the more empowered we’ll be. Using computer comparisons

disregards the horrors of colonization—it forgets the US is occupied

territory. It is designed to divert our attention from the earth,

the marginalized, and the real issues at hand. Resist it.

Stay human and humane.

Ray’s Rays Number 16:

The Glory of Descending

by

Radiance Angelina Petro

In plenty of new age cults and con-spiritual groups,

such as Q-Anon, there are references to Ascension.

It is believed and preached that only a select few–

the “woke,” ones, the ones “in the know,” the ones

who have been enlightened and have special DNA downloads

from aliens and beings from other dimensions.

In capitalist, and hyper competitive societies–

like the US, the goal is to climb higher and higher

in terms of social status, the amount of money you “make,”

and how above you are over the poor, unfortunate souls

who don’t want to rise above their lowly circumstances

or else their manifesting of prosperity would have worked.

Indeed, there must be something wrong with them or

maybe they’re not believing hard enough. This, of course,

is classist and racist bullshit. It’s thought-terminating.

Those who seek to ascend to higher and higher levels

of status, consciousness, or cosmic awareness,

too often are afraid to get their hands dirty. “Leave that

to the ones who can’t make it because they have faulty will-power,”

they say. But the key, if there is one, isn’t in the ascension. Sure,

the world can be, and often is, a shitty place to live and thus

the impulse to ascend to higher planes of consciousness

so that you can conquer the ravages of modern living–

which is, of course, not the worst idea. But back to the key.

To me, the key is in descension. A wondrous

diving down to earth, the “incarnation,” of ourselves

as earth-dwellers. Hopefully this descension leads to

a deeper care of the earth and of each other. The ground of being

is where it’s at. It all happens on the ground, on the earth–

on the farms, the wildernesses, the parks, the bodies

of water, our bodies. Try descending from your striving for ascension.

Turn your face towards the earth, and make a gesture of respect,

love, and gratitude to this endangered planet. Dig a little.

Search the gardens of your heart. Explore the roots of your ancestors.

Dive deep into the dark shadows of the soil of your life.

Ascend if you want, or need, but perhaps try descending as well.

There are many gifts among the earthy ones—the horizontal communities

and not the hierarchical ones. Try not to be afraid to have your feet on the ground–

on the earth—right here, and right now.

Ray’s Rays Number 15

Judging and Condemning

by

Radiance Angelina Petro

Go ahead and judge.

Watching others and learning from what they do

and/or don’t do is good information. It’s also

a judgment. Judging for yourself whether or not

to do, or not do, something based on an observation

of someone else is a healthy thing.

The trick is not to condemn–

unless they’re nazis, fascists, racist police, or TERFS.

Those we can safely judge as total and complete shitheads

and it’s more than OK to condemn the fuckers.

But in general, we have no right to condemn others.

That’s not healthy socially, mentally, spiritually, or, at times, physically.

People conflate judging and condemning, but they’re not

the same thing. One is helpful and we can learn from it,

the other isn’t (unless it’s the afore mentioned shitheads).

Judging someone you admire and respect–that you want

to emulate, and learn from in positive ways—that’s completely valid.

Judging someone from a place of toxic superiority doesn’t

go well. Is the way someone is acting, or what they’re saying,

positive and healthy, or hurtful and destructive? If you think about it

those are judgments. And they’re completely valid.

Conversation stoppers like the phrase: “Don’t judge,”

aren’t helpful when having an important discussion. They demonstrate

an unwillingness to engage, for whatever reason. They’re not

fair (which is a judgment), and neither are they helpful

(another judgment). They can also be used to defend toxic,

racist, shitty behaviors (that too is a judgment).

So, judge others, judge yourself, and do both with compassion,

empathy, and a humble desire to learn. Try not to

condemn. That goes nowhere and also stops

important dialogues that sometimes need to happen.

Keep your judgments to yourself, unless

you’re calling out transphobia, Islamophobia, and all

other forms of hate. Then shout, or perhaps whisper

like an angry, menacing vampire.

Ray’s Rays Number 14

Get Dirty as Fuck

By

Radiance Angelina Petro

I live in a state where Springtime is pretty damn amazing.

All my trips around the sun thus far haven’t diminished

the wonder I feel/sense/know whenever I witness

Spring’s magic. All that tiresome stuff written

about how Springtime is a time of new beginnings,

awakenings, rebirths, and all manner of blossoming–

is true. Sure, the seasons change. It doesn’t stay

Springtime all year (at least not in Pennsylvania),

yet that doesn’t mean one can’t revel in the beauty

of seeds muscling their way through dark soil and bones

and rocks, to open their palms to the everywhere sky,

of the sound of Spring Peepers, of bees shaking off their sleep

and lifting into the breeze, of trees budding leaves

and birds suddenly appearing—seemingly out of nowhere,

and the frozen creeks coming alive again, and the flowers–

the wondrous, magical flowers. And the mud! The glorious,

mud—the delightful mud! If, in this moment—the one

in which you’re reading this right now—you’re having a spell

of not liking yourself in anyway—perhaps try and imagine

you are a breath of the cosmos, and that you are a becoming

that is the very heart of Spring. Imagine you can start again

and again, and that the open, everywhere sky is there for/with you.

Perhaps go outside and play in the mud—get dirty as fuck.

Perhaps breathe in the beauty of a flower with your whole body.

Perhaps, even for a moment, remember you are sacred–

sacred as the night, as the moon, as the spirits in the dark,

as the sun, and the ground, and the stars. Feel ugly if you do,

but you and I both know, the truth beneath that feeling

is that it’s a lie. The real truth is that you are a divine breath of the universe.

You are the ever-Spring of hope and beauty. You are worthy, enough,

and beautiful as fuck. That’s the eternal truth.

Ask the flower, it will whisper back the truth.

Splash in the mud, and it will cheer it back to you.

Ray’s Rays Number 13

To Thine Own Self Be True

by

Radiance Angelina Petro

Begin where you are. Or stay where you are.

Both are valid. Each has their own wisdom.

Sometimes it’s healthy to push past our comfort zones.

Other times it’s completely fine to stay comfortable.

The only people who say otherwise are those so steeped

in old capitalist ideas that they know nothing except

working themselves to the bone. Being comfortable

isn’t a sign of weakness. Neither is staying in bed all day

if that’s what you need. Is it valid to “force” yourself

to get up and going and doing? Of course it is.

Learning when to rest and when to rise can be, as they are for me,

lifelong lessons. And there’s no right or wrong.

It’s helpful to remember though that we can’t start

at the finish line, and also, that there isn’t a finish line,

and most important of all—life isn’t a race. Fuck anyone

who says you need to be pushing and achieving

and achieving and producing to be of value in this world.

Live your dreams on your terms in your time.

Be gentle with yourself. Be fierce with yourself. Main thing:

BE yourself. You are worthy and powerful as you are.

You’ve made it through so much already, and there still is often so much

going against you. Yet you’re strong. You’re alive. There’s blood

on the brain—your mind thinks with passion, your mind thinks

with the heart. You are learning. You are evolving, blossoming,

growing. Have as much fun as you possibly can.

“Angels can fly because they take themselves lightly,” so says

GK. Chesterton. Laugh at the absurdity of it all if you can,

and stand proud (or lie on the couch proudly). You are a becoming,

and ever-changing, unfurling universe.

Go ahead, to thine own self be true.